Off to sleep

I have said that Morgan doesn't like to talk about her feelings. I realize now that I was mistaken. It isn't that she doesn't like to talk about her feelings and/or thoughts, it is that she prefers to discuss such things right before going to sleep. I am often in a hurry for her to be quiet and go to sleep so I can have some time to myself. My insistence on silence has effectively shut her up and shut me out. I doubt I even truly "save" more time for myself anyway. It takes quite awhile before my begging and pleading for her to "shhhh" works. If I could just "shhhh," my daughter could actually go off to sleep feeling and knowing I value her.

This is actually a perfect example of something I have been talking about lately with a friend of mine. The importance of my intention pales in comparison to the importance of how my daughter interprets my actions. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I value, love, and respect my child. I know that how she looks and feels about her world is something I want to know about. Morgan only seems to want to tell me about her world before sleep and I have continuously asked her to be quiet when she has tried to talk at that time. Given that this is true it makes sense to me that Morgan could understand from my actions that I don't value her or what she has to say.....In fact... I am certain she feels I don't value what she has to say because she has been telling me that for some time now. (I had not thought of this when I started writing this entry.) Morgan has been saying, "You hate me," at nighttime. Until now, I never realized exactly why she was saying it. I'm not even sure what I thought her reason for saying it was other than that my tone of voice was not very pleasant. But now, I have a reason I think makes more sense. During the times she was actually sharing herself with me, I was telling her to "be quiet." For her, this translated literally into, "You hate me." Wow. How sad. What a terrible feeling for Morgan to have to go to sleep with. I can't even begin to tell her how sorry I am. At least I am aware of it now and have the chance to make different choices about how I act when 7:00 PM rolls around tomorrow.