The following question is paraphrased from an email
I received...
My 5-year-old daughter invited a friend to
her birthday party, but the friend was still
upset about an earlier conflict between them
and said, "I don't want to go to your
birthday party!" My daughter was clearly
hurt by this rejection. How can I honor my
daughter's feelings without invalidating the
other girl's feelings?
Firstly, if you believe your daughter was hurt *by*
the rejection, you're giving power to the other
child's behavior, and you can't help either one of
them feel authentically empowered from that
perspective. So I would begin by reaching for
empowering thoughts like "That behavior has no power
of its own... We are all empowered from Within...
External conditions have no power over us; it's our
thoughts *about* conditions/behaviors that determine
how we feel... No one can stop me from thinking a
more empowering thought..." etc.
Once you feel centered in your own Power, you can
begin to see things more clearly. For example, you
might realize that your daughter's friend is simply
trying to reconnect with her personal power using
the only tools she can think of (i.e., the
"dominator" tactics modeled by our culture). In
other words, she doesn't want to hurt your daughter,
she wants to feel powerful and doesn't know how else
to connect with that feeling. Likewise, your
daughter wants to make the same connection and, for
the moment, believes that the rejection is causing
the disconnection.
So they both want the same thing, and now the
question is how can you best help them get it? As I
said above, it doesn't help to *join* them in their
disempowering thoughts (often called "empathy" or
"validation"), but neither does it help to resist
their disempowering beliefs and tell them nothing is
wrong (i.e., invalidating).
A third way is available, and it's much more
*subtle*. The part of you that wants to "DO
something about it" will not be satisfied by this
approach! Most of the "action" will take place on
the *inside*, so it may seem like you're hardly
doing anything at all.
The essence of this inner action is... making peace
with What Is.. being able to look beneath the
surface of their behavior/perceptions and *know*
that All Is Well, in spite of appearances.
Another way to describe it is "seeing the Light at
the end of the tunnel." Instead of seeing a problem,
you see the solution unfolding -- you *expect* them
each to find their way and connect with their
Center. They can *feel* that expectation, and that
feeling is all they need to begin reconnecting.
This whole approach is encapsulated in Gandhi's
famous advice to "BE the change" you want to see.
If you want your child and her friend to KNOW their
inherent powerfulness, regardless of anyone else's
opinions or choices, you've got to KNOW YOUR OWN and
then interact with them from that place of knowing.
Getting to that place of knowing is the inner work
of parenting -- and if you ask me, it's the most
important work you'll ever do as a parent. :-)
http://dailygroove.net/be-the
Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph.)
Copyright (c) 2007 by Scott Noelle
"Inspiration & Coaching for Progressive Parents"
http://www.ScottNoelle.com
http://www.EnjoyParenting.com
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