The mess

A few days ago, in the late afternoon, I looked around the living room and all I could see were toys paper, clothes, and other items strewn all over the place. The walls began to close in and I lost myself for what seemed like a very long time. I am sure it seemed even longer to my poor daughter. All of the sudden I could not stand the room looking like a disaster area for one more minute. I obsessively clung to the idea that the room needed to be cleaned immediately and that Morgan needed to help me. Every moment that ticked by, as I put away toy after toy, my body became more tense with the anger that was bubbling up inside my body. My daughter stood watching her normally calm mommy turn into a manipulative and angry bitch. I suppose in the beginning I did actually request Morgan' s help in a half way decent tone. However, it was a tone that was, I am sure, less than inviting and carried a strong "get the heck away from mommy," vibe with it. Being 4 and less likely to walk out of the room when spoken to in a rude, threatening, and disrespectful way, my child sat on the couch and cried as I insinuated that I was going to throw away some of her papers that were on the floor if she didn't pick them up. As the words left my lips, I knew that how I was acting was making a mess much larger than the one I was so intent on getting straightening. The mess I was making was one I could apologize for but could never clean up.

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Erasing those moments would not do either one of us any good. I continue to think about it and the many issues that arise from talking about it with different people. One conversation in particular that has come up has stuck with me and I am still trying to flesh it out. So here goes...

There is one point of view that says children should listen to their parents and obey when they are told/asked to do something, period. Why? No, seriously, why? I have a hard time coming up with a reasonable answer to this question. It is not that I can't see that the parent may have some knowledge about the world that the child doesn't have. I just think that the adult's knowledge does not trump the needs/wants of a child. When someone says, "she should just listen," what is often meant is that the adult's words/wishes are more important than the child's. According to this paradigm, when I asked Morgan to help me clean, she should have begun putting things away. When she replied, "I don't want to," her words should hold no importance and would be seen as disrespectful of me. However, the disrespect inherent in me ignoring her stated feeling is not even recognized. (I find it funny that people who adopt this parenting style are often the ones who say their children can't accept when they are told, "no." It seems to me the children aren't the only ones who can't accept being told, "no.")
What fascinates me is what happens when I exchange Morgan with Mark in this example. If I had asked Mark to help me clean and he told me he didn't want to, would I still be expected to disregard his wishes and demand his help? Would it be acceptable for me to tell him I would throw away his clothes he had left in the floor? Would it even make sense for me to tell him he could not get on the computer until he helped clean the room? Of course, this is absurd. So why is it less absurd when dealing with a child. I would argue that it is absolutely just as ridiculous.

Perhaps my biggest concern with expecting my children to "do as they are told," is the long term effect it would have on my relationship with them. I see no value in "top-down" parenting and see clearly how it destroys whatever respect and connection that may be present between children and their parents. I feel that this type of parenting is short sighted and gives no thought to the fact that we are not raising children, but raising adults. When my children are grown, I hope they are authentic people who (among many other things) find value in their relationship with me. In order for this to be the case, I can't wait until they reach adulthood to start respecting who they are.
From the beginning of their lives, I have tried every day (and hopefully succeeded on most days) to communicate my interest in and love for who my daughters truly are and who they are not. It is important to me that they know I respect them and value their opinions. I want our relationships to be alive and constantly growing. I want them to know without a doubt that my love is unconditional. And I want them to know that I have always believed they were my equals. The loudest and most convincing way I know to communicate my feelings to my children is through my actions. This belief is what keeps me constantly looking at how I behave and trying to do better. I know there will be many many more times like the one we had the other day. I am not perfect and I will continue to make mistakes. I acknowledge this openly with my girls and will continue to apologize whenever it is necessary.