john holt quote

"A child whose life is full of the threat and fear of punishment is locked into babyhood. There is no way for him to grow up, to learn to take responsibility for his life and acts. Most important of all, we should not assume that having to yield to the threat of our superior force is good for the child's character. It is never good for anyone's character."

I am an unkind child

In one of my local parenting groups, a conversation was started about "positive discipline." This is what I posted...
I looked up the Screamfree Parenting book on amazon that was mentioned. Though I have not read it, something that was mentioned from the book rang so true that I thought I would mention it. The quote was "Parenting is about parents." It reminded me that parenting is not about my children at all, but how I handle myself with them. It also reminded me that when I look at myself, my own behavior, and my own needs that I can learn about my children and what they need from me. When I remember this I find that things flow more freely and with less bumps than when the fact escapes my mind for a bit.
I, too, have difficulities during times when my own children "aren't listening" or talking to me in ways that I may interpret as "rude." The negative labels I slap on their behavior and the thoughts that have on occasion spun out of control that say,"she shouldn't talk to me like that," or "she needs to stop that RIGHT now!" serve to separate me from the moment and from my girls. There are more times than I would like to admit that I have lost myself and handled things downright horribly. It is when I sit, breathe, and take a moment to bring my awareness back to myself that I realize what really happened. In every instance where I believed my children were not listening, I was not listening to them. I may have heard the unkind words that came from their mouth or seen the full out tantrum thrown before my eyes, but I failed to really listen to the feelings and needs that were underneath their words and/or actions. In every instance where they spoke to me in a "tone," I can guarantee that I have also spoken to them in condescending, demanding, and unkind tones. The "she should not talk to me like that" thought really needs to be turned into, "I should not talk to her like that." Without the brutal honesty with myself, I find it near impossible to stay connected with my children. Their actions are my own. It is not that I do not know how to act kindly when I raise my voice to my children. When I look at the times when I am unkind to my kids (or anyone for that matter), I see that there was a need not being met. I was either tired, hungry, overwhelmed, unheard, unappreciated, or just plain irritable. I have not needed anyone to teach me how to behave, but I have needed someone to understand and love me through the difficult moment. I believe this is also true for children. It is not that they do not know how to be kind or how I wish they would speak to people. Instead, I think that underneath the less than desirable behavior is a deeper need that is not being met. As my children, they are relying on me to see that need and meet it.

Right now

It is 9:30 on a Sunday morning and I am struck by the absolute beauty and perfection of my life with my children. I look around the apartment and see what looks like to be a million tiny pieces of construction paper that have found their way to the floor as a result of scissors tearing through numerous colorful sheets in order to make snowflakes. I see crayons, popsicle sticks, drawing books, drying art projects, and shiny specks of glitter decorating the ordinarily dull carpet. I see the wet jackets, gloves, hats, and clothes my kids discarded as they ran through the room disrobing in order to jump into the warm bath they are filling for themselves. The excitement in their voices fills the air as they rush in from the cold and rainy weather they were playing in. I listen to the gentle, loving way in which Morgan helps her younger sister and I am filled with an undescribable joy and love for the tender relationship the two of them share. There is no place I would rather be than right here, right now in this perfectly beautiful moment with my girls.

We homeschool

Mark and I have wanted to homeschool Morgan for as long as I can remember. The 4th day after the 08-09 school year started, Morgan informed us that she was going to school. Though it was not what we were expecting (and far from what I wanted), I knew that keeping her home against her very strong wishes felt wrong. Not to mention that I had visions of her sneaking out of the house to get on the bus:) Once Morgan has made up her mind about something, that's that. So...off to school she went. And each morning for several months, my darling daughter was up at 5:30 asking if she could go to school yet. She loved everything about it...until she didn't.
At the beginning of November, Morgan's behavior began to change. She was angry, easily irritated, doubted herself, quick to cry, violent with her sister, and refusing to work through situations with Mark and I that we disagreed on. Before Thanksgiving break she had started licking her lips almost constantly. Her lips and the skin around them were raw and bright red and they wouldn't heal. Originally I thought that maybe it was from being outside during recess in the cold weather. But by the end of the vacation, her lips had healed and she had stopped licking even though we still played outside. The moment we arrived at the bus stop on the day school resumed she started licking her lips again. I brought it to her attention and asked her how she was feeling. She said nothing was bothering her and off to school she went.
Over the next few weeks, things seemed to get worse. However, she did start to open up a bit. She told me about some problems she was having with a particular teacher, how boring parts of school were, and that she was nervous to go to her literacy center each day. We talked many nights about what was going on and I contacted the teacher. Each day it seemed like more of the easy going, confident, empathetic child I had known for 5 plus years was fading away. I was completely torn. Morgan was still wanting to go to school even though she knew that homeschooling was an option. At the same time, the amount of stress that she was under was obviously not healthy and was adversly affecting her in so many ways. Mark was ready to pull her out, but I wanted to wait a bit longer.
Xmas vacation was fabulous. After 2 weeks at home, Morgan's behavior was more relaxed than it had been in a long time. She seemed to enjoy herself again. Mark and I both went to school to watch the time period when Morgan was having such a difficult time. It was absolutely clear to us why she was unhappy when we witnessed how things were done. I talked to Morgan about what her concerns were and tried to come up with solutions. She was willing to try a few things and we did. Her unhappiness and stress grew. She stopped wanting to ride the bus. She stopped wanting to go to school. Despite not wanting to leave her friends and her teachers, she chose not to go any longer. She came home and our homeschooling journey began.

My two year actually said...

I was washing my face this morning when Audrey entered and said, "May I please use the restroom because I need to go potty."

Out of the mouth of babes...

This guy, Charles Durning, was in the movie Home for the Holidays. Morgan was cuddled up with my mom when it was on. When this dude came on camera Morgan said, "He looks like John McCain sort of."

Wrong side of the bed!

My poor Audrey woke up hating the world yesterday. Almost each and every event, small or large, set her off. Voices were too loud, Mema couldn't come over from RI for a "date," commercials interrupted her show, she accidentally peed on her favorite outfit of the week, Morgan looked at her, the boy at the park walked on the bridge after her, she couldn't find her shoes, and the list goes on...There were screams and tears at every turn. People assumed their children were being bullies at the park when they were only waiting patiently, silently behind Audrey to go down the slide. The very presence of the child behind her sent her into a fit with hands pushing and demands for the child to move. These days are so very difficult for her. And so difficult for the rest of us. I feel for her and wish more than I can express that I could do more to help ease her discomfort with life on these days. I woke up with hope this morning that her mood had passed and peace would overcome her small body. No such luck. My hope was shattered immediately upon awaking. Frustration and irritation and the very very loud screaming broke the silence of the early morning house. Audrey is awake and having another "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day." Poor baby.