I am an unkind child

In one of my local parenting groups, a conversation was started about "positive discipline." This is what I posted...
I looked up the Screamfree Parenting book on amazon that was mentioned. Though I have not read it, something that was mentioned from the book rang so true that I thought I would mention it. The quote was "Parenting is about parents." It reminded me that parenting is not about my children at all, but how I handle myself with them. It also reminded me that when I look at myself, my own behavior, and my own needs that I can learn about my children and what they need from me. When I remember this I find that things flow more freely and with less bumps than when the fact escapes my mind for a bit.
I, too, have difficulities during times when my own children "aren't listening" or talking to me in ways that I may interpret as "rude." The negative labels I slap on their behavior and the thoughts that have on occasion spun out of control that say,"she shouldn't talk to me like that," or "she needs to stop that RIGHT now!" serve to separate me from the moment and from my girls. There are more times than I would like to admit that I have lost myself and handled things downright horribly. It is when I sit, breathe, and take a moment to bring my awareness back to myself that I realize what really happened. In every instance where I believed my children were not listening, I was not listening to them. I may have heard the unkind words that came from their mouth or seen the full out tantrum thrown before my eyes, but I failed to really listen to the feelings and needs that were underneath their words and/or actions. In every instance where they spoke to me in a "tone," I can guarantee that I have also spoken to them in condescending, demanding, and unkind tones. The "she should not talk to me like that" thought really needs to be turned into, "I should not talk to her like that." Without the brutal honesty with myself, I find it near impossible to stay connected with my children. Their actions are my own. It is not that I do not know how to act kindly when I raise my voice to my children. When I look at the times when I am unkind to my kids (or anyone for that matter), I see that there was a need not being met. I was either tired, hungry, overwhelmed, unheard, unappreciated, or just plain irritable. I have not needed anyone to teach me how to behave, but I have needed someone to understand and love me through the difficult moment. I believe this is also true for children. It is not that they do not know how to be kind or how I wish they would speak to people. Instead, I think that underneath the less than desirable behavior is a deeper need that is not being met. As my children, they are relying on me to see that need and meet it.