Feeling messy

Morgan and I decided to make another peanut butter, banana, chocolate chip bread today. We were having a great time putting it together when...CRASH...the dry mixture we had waiting on the wet was knocked to the floor. It was wonderful! Not one part of me cringed, flinched, or tensed. In fact, I hardly batted an eye as I said, "Oops we need a broom." Morgan quickly ran to the garage for the broom without me even suggesting it. No big deal. I successfully flowed right through the moment without wishing it to be any different.

A mound of flour, oatmeal, and baking soda laying in the middle of the floor is something that would usually be an absolutely HUGE deal to me. However ridiculous it may sound, I have unresolved emotional crap surrounding being clean and making a mess. Even if it is hard to pinpoint exactly where it comes from, it is evidenced by the immediate bodily tension and emotional irritation I feel whenever any amount of food finds its way out of the mixing bowl while baking. These feelings are not ever felt "at" myself or Morgan who is often my baking companion. However, I know without a doubt that my daughter, at times, has interpreted my reaction as directed at her. The fact that my 4 year old finds herself in a position to ever have to wonder if she is the cause for my anger, or any other feeling, is unacceptable to me. My love for her is absolutely unconditional, unwavering and constant. Any feeling that may pass through my body is just that, a feeling. It is there to help me navigate my interior landscape and to let me know when something isn't "right" with me and needs further investigation. So, obviously these irrational angry feelings over messes made in the kitchen are telling me to pay them some attention.

After really examining myself I have come to the conclusion that I am almost obsessed with having a clean kitchen at all times. I think the reason is actually quite simple. I bake in a kitchen that I share with my mother. For as long as I can remember she has had a need to have clean spaces. Though she is much more relaxed about it than when I was growing up, I am constantly aware of her desire for a clean kitchen. I intellectually know now that she is not as physically uncomfortable with messes now as she was when I was younger. The reality is that she wouldn't give a damn if we were messily baking in the kitchen. However, my body still reacts as if I am 4, my mom is mad, and I think I have caused it by making a mess.

Memories from my childhood are part of what cause me to parent the way I do. I think it is important to communicate with my kids about how we aren't are behaviors or feelings. Instead, I try and explain that we are beings who are capable of using our feelings as tools to learn about ourselves. I aim to show them that we are able to try out different behaviors, looking to their consequences to judge for ourselves if we believe it was an action we would choose again. As a parent, I am trying very hard to really look at what I am doing and how I am communicating with my children. I know I will never be close to perfect, but at least I can try to work on myself for the sake of my babies.
"When we have children we are either woken to our own childhood pain and work on healing it or we inflict it on our children." - JAW